THE ADVENTURES OF OXIWOMAN
By Matthew W. Grant
FADE IN:
INT. BATHROOM - DAY
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
A few short years ago in Quincy,
Massachusetts...
ELLEN, her hair pulled back in a ponytail, vigorously scrubs
a grubby bathtub in a grungy bathroom. Despite her obvious
effort, the tub will never shine again!
ELLEN
Perhaps a little more OxiClean would
help...
She struggles with her 5 pound container. It slips from her
hands and all the OxiClean spills into the tub.
Ellen tries to sweep some of the mess back into the container.
She turns the water on...
ELLEN (CONT'D)
What have I done?
SWOOSH! As soon as the water gushes from the faucet and
hits the OxiClean, the mixture begins to foam. The brew
soon rises to the top of the tub which overflows. Ellen is
surrounded.
Foam explosion! White-out conditions in the bathroom...
From outside the bathroom door, the gurgling mixture seeps
out. The only sound is the pop-pop-pop of the little OxiClean
bubbles.
A faint voice from under the suds...
ELLEN (CONT'D)
What...what happened?
The bathroom door opens, a wall of white foam pours out into
the kitchen. A hand reaches up into the frame and wipes the
mirror.
The room now sparkles brilliantly. The cleanliness would
put a hospital to shame....and there she is!
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2.
Ellen smiles radiantly, her long, golden hair falls freely
to her shoulders. Her clothes have been transformed to an
angelic white and she now wears an immaculate cape as well.
There is a large blue "O" on her shirt. She's no longer
just Ellen Tocci...
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Mild-mannered, hard-working housewife
by day, grime-fighting superheroine
by night, her cleans are cleaner
than clean and her brights are
brighter than bright....she's no
ordinary woman...she's OxiWoman!
EXT. COUNTY FAIR - DAY
SUPERIMPOSED ON SCREEN: SUMMER 2002
The sky is a perfect blue. The county fair is in full swing.
The Ferris Wheel seems to scrape the sky, lovers stroll hand
in hand, carefree children run and play.
Every kind of food booth imaginable beckons to passersby. A
YOUNG WOMAN stands in front of the ice cream booth and
savors her triple-scoop (dark chocolate, raspberry, mocha)
super
sized cone.
A bee buzzes by and hones in on her ice cream. The young
woman waves her hands wildly. SPLAT! The triple scoop
cone
is now a triple mess all over her blouse!
YOUNG WOMAN
Nooo! It's ruined. My new
blouse...someone, please, get me
water, do something...
Several fairgoers just shake their heads and smile
sympathetically.
A bolt of lightning streaks across the sunny and clear-blue
sky.
An ITALIAN STUD and his BABE look up and point.
ITALIAN STUD
What the...?
BABE
(Brooklyn accent)
Oh my Gaaawd, it's ha...it's really
ha!
OxiWoman, in her spotless outfit, hovers above the crowd.
She descends slowly. The crowd backs away in awe.
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3.
The ice cream covered woman is now in tears. She dabs at
her blouse; the stains worsen. She looks up and sees OxiWoman
approach her.
OXIWOMAN
Have no fear, good citizen. OxiClean
and I can help you.
OxiWoman reaches down to her utility belt. She unhooks a
spray bottle from each side. She twirls them around her
fingers the way a cowboy spins his revolvers.
She aims at the soiled blouse. She pulls the triggers...
A steady stream of liquid OxiClean streams from each bottle.
Bull's-eye!
Oxi-dation complete...the blouse is miraculously clean!
YOUNG WOMAN
Thank you so much, OxiWoman.
The bystanders applaud.
COWBOY
Whoa, Alvin, Whoa...
A neighing horse is heard in the distance. A COWBOY gallops
up on Alvin, his dusty bucking bronco.
The horse gyrates wildly, the cowboy can barely hold on.
COWBOY (CONT'D)
Steady now, Alvin, steady...
People jump out of the way as Alvin charges the crowd. Alvin
unexpectedly stops short. The cowboy flies headfirst over
the horse. He does a somersault in mid air and then lands
smack dab in the middle of a mud pit!
The bystanders gasp. Several are hit by stray flecks of
mud. OxiWoman pulls a sponge from her pocket and quickly
dabs at the mud to refresh the spectators.
The cowboy is motionless. His six gallon hat floats on top
of the mud. His hand raises and flops in the mud, spraying
the spectators again.
The cowboy slowly rises from the mud pit. Globs of dirt
fall from him. The crowd gasps and looks expectedly at
OxiWoman.
OXIWOMAN
Remove your shirt!
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4.
COWBOY
(sly grin)
Why, OxiWoman, I didn't know you
felt that way.
OXIWOMAN
I only feel that way about
cleanliness, good citizen.
The cowboy removes his shirt. His finely sculpted muscles
bulge in the sun. The Italian Stud yanks his Babe back a
few steps as she can not take her eyes off the cowboy's bare
chest.
OxiWoman daintily reaches out for the soiled shirt. She
holds it at distance from her and barks orders.
OXIWOMAN (CONT'D)
Quick, get me a pail, some water,
and shish kebab sticks from the
barbecue food booth.
She shakes the shirt to remove excess mud. A few flecks hit
her outfit, but fall harmlessly to the ground.
YOUNG WOMAN
Look how the dirt just bounces off
her!
OXIWOMAN
I pretreated my clothes with an
OxiClean solution, making them stain-
resistant.
COWBOY
(mutters to himself)
Of course...
The bystanders have returned with her supplies. OxiWoman is
all business now. Like a surgeon....
OXIWOMAN
Pail!
A bystander hands it to her.
OXIWOMAN (CONT'D)
Water!
Another bystander hands that to her and she fills the pail.
She retrieves a slim canister of OxiClean crystals from her
utility belt. She holds it up for the crowd to see.
OXIWOMAN (CONT'D)
The OxiClean!
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5.
She adds that to the water. The mixture bubbles.
OXIWOMAN (CONT'D)
The shish kebab sticks!
She uses the sticks to blend the ingredients.
OxiWoman thrusts the cowboy's sordid shirt into the pail and
and swooshes it around. She holds it it up...
OXIWOMAN (CONT'D)
Behold....
The formerly filthy shirt now gleams like new.
The crowd murmurs that OxiWoman is amazing, a miracle worker,
etc.
The cowboy is shocked. OxiWoman approaches him to put the
shining shirt back on him and he recoils in horror at its
clean perfection.
COWBOY
Get that specimen of spotlessness
away from me you overly Oxi-dized,
overgrown girlscout!
OXIWOMAN
Well, I never...
COWBOY
Of course not, you'd have to get
dirty!
YOUNG WOMAN
How rude!
COWBOY
I'll show you rude, missy.
The cowboy rips at the skin on his face and his muscled chest.
The crowd reacts with fascination and disgust as he peels
the layers away.
ITALIAN STUD
What the...?
BABE
Oh my Gaaawd, it's him...it's really
him!
The last shred of the faux skin is torn off and the hunky
cowboy is gone. In his place stands a squalid creature, a
misshapen, grotesquely dingy excuse for a man.
OXIWOMAN
StainMan!
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6.
STAINMAN
That's right people of Oxiville. It
is I, OxiWoman's arch-nemesis, the
sultan of sordidness himself,
StainMan.
The crowd takes a step back, but OxiWoman holds her ground.
STAINMAN (CONT'D)
Oh, Alvin...
The dusty horse trots over to him. StainMan reaches into
the saddle bag and pulls out a super-soaker type water gun.
It is filled with some dark, gooey liquid.
He shows it to a bystander. It says on the side: Stain-Ray.
The bystander faints.
STAINMAN (CONT'D)
Watch this...
StainMan aims at the white cotton candy booth. He gleefully
blasts the trigger. Contact!
The previously white cotton candy booth is soon dripping in
black muck!
STAINMAN (CONT'D)
That will never come clean...nothing
like a little spill to liven up a
party...
StainMan laughs maniacally as he points the Stain-Ray at
various people in the crowd and fires away.
The crowd panics. People scatter.
OxiWoman seems to fly away! The crowd screams more.
Things calm down when people realize what OxiWoman is
doing....
She flies to the spot that the Stain-Ray goop is about to
hit and holds up her cape as a shield. The crowd is
unscathed. The cape absorbs the goop and transforms it into
non-toxic and inoffensive droplets of pure water, which roll
off her cape effortlessly.
StainMan is exasperated!
STAINMAN (CONT'D)
Always, trying to ruin my fun,
OxiWoman. Don't you have a floor to
scrub somewhere?
OXIWOMAN
I'll mop the floor with you, StainMan.
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7.
STAINMAN
Big words from a woman who is about
to be up to her Oxi-fied eyeballs in
grunge.
OXIWOMAN
I think all that dirt has finally
gone to your head.
STAINMAN
On the contrary my whitewashed
opponent, it's your head upon which
the dirt will rain!
StainMan reaches into Alvin's saddle bag again and pulls out
a little device with antennas, knobs, LCD screen, and blinking
lights.
STAINMAN (CONT'D)
(continuing; sing-
song voice)
Everyone, look up.
They obey.
ITALIAN STUD
What the...?
BABE
Oh my Gaaawd...
STOCK FOOTAGE: A blimp circles the county fairgrounds.
STAINMAN
Ever wonder what the Stain-Ray goop
is made of? Equal parts of double
dark chocolate ice cream, backyard
dirt, spaghetti sauce, motor oil and
my favorite - purple grape juice.
OxiWoman gives him a fake yawn.
OXIWOMAN
Get to the point, StainMan.
STAINMAN
That cute "little" blimp up there is
filled to the brim with hundreds of
thousands of gallons of my Stain-Ray
goop!
She understands his diabolical plan.
OXIWOMAN
You wouldn't dare.
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8.
STAINMAN
When I press the red button on this
remote control unit, that blimp
hovering above us will explode.
When it does, you and all the bleached
bland boring citizens of Oxiville
will be drenched in drudge!
StainMan greedily fingers the remote control. The antennas
go up and down. The device beeps.
OxiWoman looks around desperately for a way to foil his plot.
He laughs...he raises his hand and jabs it at the remote
control....his finger is millimeters away and heads straight
for the red button...
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Holy Disastrous Dirtiness! Will the
evil StainMan severely soil the
citizens of Oxiville? Will OxiWoman
defeat the dastardly dirtmonger...and
sound the All-Clear OxiClean signal?
Find out next week...same Oxi-time,
same Oxi-channel!
FADE OUT:
