WILL & GRACE
”Dr. Laura and the Guy Next Door”
Written by
Matthew W. Grant
FADE IN:
ACT ONE
SCENE 1
INT. WILL'S APARTMENT - DAY
(WILL AND GRACE PREPARE SNACKS AT KITCHEN COUNTER. WILL STRUGGLES WITH A LID.)
WILL
What do they seal these things with these days? Superglue? I'm going to break my wrist.
GRACE
Too easy. No comment. Let me try.
WILL
If I can't do it, you can't.
GRACE
Bet I can.
WILL
You know, ever since we've been living together again, everything with you is an argument - even more than usual.
GRACE
It is not.
WILL
There, that proves it. I say black, you say white. I say up, you say down. I say I like men
(PAUSE)
OK, bad example, but-
GRACE
Will, sometimes, you are so anal.
WILL
Don't. Don't even go there.
GRACE
Just give me the damn jar, Will.
WILL
OK, Xena, Princess of Power, go for it.
(GRACE OPENS THE JAR EFFORTLESSLY.)
GRACE
(GRINS)
It's all in the wrist.
WILL
Don't. Don't go there either.
GRACE
I think we need help.
WILL
I think you need help.
GRACE
I'm serious, Will. We should at least call Dr. Laura.
(OFF HIS LOOK)
Don't worry, they won't revoke your membership. I read an article in Cosmo just the other day titled- It's OK to be gay and still listen to Dr. L-A-U-R-A!
WILL
Politics aside, Grace, a radio psychologist??
GRACE
And an author. She wrote the bestseller Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives.
WILL
So Miss Chapters 4, 7, 9, and 10, how was the book?
GRACE
I'm ignoring that. You know why? Because I'm having a good hair day-
(WILL GRABS A STRAND OF HER HAIR. EXAMINES IT. SHAKES HIS HEAD "NO." ROLLS HIS EYES.)
GRACE
Talking to Dr. Laura could only help. Besides, I've always wanted to hear myself on the radio.
WILL
What part of "no" don't you understand? The "N" or the "O?"
GRACE
I bet Dr. Laura would suggest exactly what you need. Really, there's no reason to be embarrassed about c-
WILL
Stop.
GRACE
Personally, I think you could use some c-
WILL
Not the "C" word.
GRACE
Why do gay men so excited over a little c-
WILL
I'm blocking my ears.
GRACE
(TO THE TUNE OF LA BAMBA)
c- c- c- c- c- c- counseling!
(LOUD NOISE IN THE HALLWAY. GRACE GOES TO THE DOOR AND TRIES DIFFERENT ANGLES TO LOOK THROUGH THE PEEPHOLE.)
WILL
Grace, what are you doing?
GRACE
I have to occupy my free time somehow while I wait for the next issue of Stalker's Digest to hit the newsstand.
WILL
Huh?
GRACE
Back to basics. Spying. Me spying through the peephole.
WILL
First the air vents and now this? That's terrible.
GRACE
You're right.
(BEAT)
GRACE
It would be much easier to see if I opened the door just a crack.
(WILL JOINS HER AT THE DOOR. THEY PUSH EACH OTHER OUT OF THE WAY FOR THE BEST VIEW. THE DOOR FLIES OPEN AND KNOCKS THEM BOTH BACKWARDS INTO A HEAP. KAREN AND JACK ENTER.)
WILL
Don't you ever knock?
GRACE
Karen, aren't you supposed to be at work.
(KAREN SIPS HER DRINK.)
KAREN
Oh, honey, you do love to ask the silly questions, don't you?
JACK
So, did you suddenly decide Grace is your type or are you two playing Twister?
WILL
Can you just help us up?
(JACK LETS THEM STRUGGLE TO STAND ON THEIR OWN.)
JACK
I seem to remember a little Twister incident.
GRACE
Not now, Jack.
JACK
Oh, sure, you still can't face the truth about yourself, missy. The last time we played Twister and they called out left foot on green, you just couldn't stand the thought of a younger, more nimble, and - dare I say better looking person - winning, so you pushed me!
KAREN
Why, Grace Adams, I always knew you had a mean streak in you.
GRACE
Adler!
JACK
You know what you are? You're a Twister Pusher!
GRACE
I am not.
JACK
Go ahead. You're in denial. Classic textbook case.
GRACE
Jack-
JACK
(OVER ZEALOUS)
Stand up. Say it loud and say it proud. My name is Grace A. and I am a Twister Pusher!
GRACE
We're trying to see what's going on down the hall.
JACK
You mean Mr. Hunk-O-Rama?
WILL
You've seen him?
JACK
Sure, lots of times. Has coffee at Jacques semi-frequently.
GRACE
I've never seen anyone come or go from that apartment.
WILL
Ditto for me.
(HUMS TWILIGHT ZONE MUSIC)
Weird, huh? This is so that TV show where the people have this neighbor, but they never see his face.
GRACE
And the husband is a handyman who shows his tools on TV.
KAREN
Men. Tools. Cameras. Now, that's
must see TV!