SIGN WOMAN fumbles with over-sized posterboards. She is the only cast member who speaks directly to the audience.
SIGN WOMAN
Hi, everyone. Welcome to the Purchasing Department skit. I'm a little nervous here. This is my first time as a Sign Woman.
(drops some
of them)
Oops! Maybe you can help me out here by reading the
signs with me.
She holds the first one upside down.
SIGN WOMAN
Oops!
She
turns it properly. She and the audience read.
SIGN WOMAN
Twas the night
before Christmas...
She looks at the sign.
SIGN WOMAN
Wait! Oops! Wrong one.
She flips it over. She and the audience
read.
SIGN WOMAN
Once upon a
time...
She looks at the sign again.
SIGN WOMAN
Wait! Oops! Sorry. I know it's here somewhere.
She looks
through her signs.
SIGN WOMAN
OK, I've got
it this time. Ready everybody?
She holds up a new one. She and the audience read.
SIGN WOMAN
Somewhere in
Super Huge Corporation...
Sign Woman steps out of the way to
give the audience clear view of players.
INT. OFFICE - DAY
N.D.
USER speaks on her phone.
N.D.
That woman
from Purchasing is due here any minute to discuss the purchase...I
know, me too, I hate going through Purchasing, all that red tape takes
forever to get anything done...
MRS. BUYER knocks on the door
and enters. She looks like a librarian, but even more so.
MRS. BUYER
Hello, I'm
Mrs. Buyer, from the Purchasing Department.
N.D.
Hi, I'm
N.D. User. I was just telling my friend I couldn't wait to work
with you!
Mrs. Buyer plops the papers and her clipboard on the
desk noisily.
MRS. BUYER
Well, we have a lot to go over here before we can finalize this contract.
BUYING
ASSISTANT enters without knocking. He carries a plastic bag. He ignores Mrs. Buyer and looks strangely at N.D. User.
N.D.
Who's he?
MRS. BUYER
Him? He's nobody, just a Buying Assistant.
(points to
papers)
Anyway,
we need to discuss your vendor's insurance certificate...
BUYING ASSISTANT
(to himself, but loud)
I'm just the assistant. Everyone knows that means I do all the
work.
MRS. BUYER
... and then we want to make sure Super Huge Corporation is covered
in case of ...
While Mrs. Buyer talks, the Buying Assistant reaches
into the bag and pulls out a huge roll of red-something. He
makes a big production as he holds it up at different angles. He distracts N.D. He hands her the end of the roll and starts
to walk around her chair.
N.D.
Now, what is he doing?
MRS. BUYER
He's just making sure it takes forever to get this project off the
ground.
N.D.
Huh?
MRS. BUYER
(smiles)
You
know, by tying you up in red tape!
Buying Assistant moves faster
and faster until N.D. is indeed wrapped in red tape!
N.D.
That does
it! I'm not going through Purchasing. I'm going to work
with my vendors on my own.
MRS. BUYER
This is highly
irregular-
N.D.
You, Buying
Assistant, how would you like to come and work for me? In a
real department - where there is no red tape - a place where we know
how to get things done!
BUYING ASSISTANT
You got it,
boss-lady!
N.D.
Besides, who needs a contract?
Buying Assistant pulls the red
tape and N.D. spins around in her chair as the tape unwinds.
Sign
Woman steps between actors and audience. She counts off aloud,
giving the actors time to reposition behind her.
SIGN WOMAN
I'm supposed
to count to five. Everyone help me, OK?
(holds up fingers)
One...Two...Three...Four...Five...
Great job!! Give yourself a round of applause.
(audience claps)
OK, here we go again, ready?
She holds up her next sign. She and the audience read.
SIGN WOMAN
Two weeks later...
She
flips the sign over and they read what is in parenthesis.
SIGN WOMAN
Yes, they all
happened to wear the same clothes again...
INT. OFFICE - DAY
Buying Assistant now sits at his own desk near N.D. Other
EMPLOYEES work in the background.
Mrs. Buyer stands off to the
side, observing with her clipboard.
N.D. leans back in her chair
with her feet up on the desk.
N.D.
Look out
that window. It's a beautiful day. My department is running
perfectly. I'm in line for a promotion. What could possibly
go wrong?
EMPLOYEE #1
Joe, can you
bring these down to the mailroom, please?
Joe takes a stack of
UPS and FEDEX envelopes.
JOE
Sure.
Joe trips. The envelopes fly everywhere.
JOE
(continuing;
like Marsha in that famous Brady Bunch episode)
Oww, my nose... Oww, my nose
Buying Assistant comforts N.D.
BUYING ASSISTANT
Don't worry. Joe's a temporary worker. He can't sue. Personal injury is covered under the temporary task spec contract.
N.D.
But I
just brought him on my own. I never filled out a task spec contract
from Purchasing!
MRS. BUYER
(to herself, but loud)
Uh-huh! Personal injury for temporaries.
(She makes
a dramatic check on her clipboard.)
Who needs a contract indeed!
EMPLOYEE #1
Hey, you guys,
look at this.
She holds up a newspaper and reads headline.
EMPLOYEE #1
Mary Jones
Strikes It Rich with Software Program!
N.D.
What? She was a temp here too. She sat right at that desk working
on that program for us last week. Super Huge Corporation should
own the rights to her work.
BUYING ASSISTANT
Yeah, that's
in the task spec contract too.
N.D.
Oh, no, I didn't fill out a Purchasing task spec for her either.
MRS. BUYER
(to herself, but loud)
Uh-huh! Intellectual property rights.
(She makes
another dramatic check on her clipboard.)
Who needs a contract indeed!
N.D.
What have I done?
EMPLOYEE #1
Look, on the bright side, N.D. At least you were able to get
all those printers for the whole floor at a good price.
N.D.
True. Purchasing said they would cost 300 dollars each, but I got them 10
percent cheaper from my Uncle Vito's electronics store.
BUYING ASSISTANT
Besides the
price, what other terms did you get?
N.D.
Terms?
BUYING ASSISTANT
Yeah, you know,
like, warranty and return policy.
N.D.
Ummm, well, Uncle Vito said they were Y2K compliant!
EMPLOYEE #1
But it's already
2006!
BUYING ASSISTANT
No problem,
let me see the contract.
N.D.
There's
no contract. I just called Uncle Vito and he dropped them off
from the back of his Yugo.
Sign Woman jumps up with a sign, which
the entire cast reads with the audience.
SIGN WOMAN
He still drives
a Yugo???
N.D. shrugs.
N.D.
What else counts besides price?
Buying Assistant reads from his
list. Mrs. Buyer also consults hers off to the side.
BUYING ASSISTANT
Like I said, there's: warranty, return policy, then product acceptance,
installation....and a few other things.
He unrolls his list. Like Santa’s toy list, it’s so long that it hits the floor.
N.D.
My career at Super Huge Corporation could be ruined!
MRS. BUYER
(to herself, but loud)
Uh-huh! Indemnification, confidentiality,
invoicing and payment, maintenance, etc., etc.
(She makes
am overly dramatic check on her clipboard.)
Who needs a contract indeed!
N.D. hastily grabs her phone.
N.D.
I need help with this. I better call Purchasing.
BUYING ASSISTANT
I need to call Purchasing too. I want my old job back. Sometimes it seems like there's a lot of red tape, but the truth is,
Purchasing is a real department and they really do know how to get
things done.
Sign Woman makes her final appearance with a sign. She and the audience read.
SIGN WOMAN
The end.
She
flips the sign over and they read what is in parenthesis.
SIGN WOMAN
Really, it's
over. Applause. Applause.
Audience applauds.
FADE OUT:
