Forest Ranger / Park Ranger Sitcom Script Pilot

Middle of Nowhere - Act 1, Scenes 1 - 2A

 
FADE IN:

 

ACT ONE

 

SCENE 1
 

EXT. WOODS - DAY 
 

(FOREST RANGER JEEP CRUISES DOWN A MOUNTAIN ROAD.  PASSES SIGN: WELCOME TO THE BLUE HILLS.)

 

(JEEP VEERS ERRATICALLY...)

 

 

SCENE 2
 

INT. JEEP - DAY 
 

(RUSTY, 30 AND CLEAN CUT, DRIVES.)

 

(SETH, ALSO 30 BUT UNKEMPT, SHOVES AN OPEN, WELL-WORN MAP IN FRONT OF RUSTY. BLOCKS RUSTY'S VIEW.)

 

               SETH 

 

     Hey, Rusty, do ya see it?

 

               RUSTY 

 

     All I can see is your hand and a map in my face.

 

(RUSTY SWATS THE MAP AWAY.  TURNS THE WHEEL.  JEEP SWAYS ABRUPTLY.  RANGERS ARE JOSTLED IN THEIR SEATS.)

 

               SETH 

 

     Cool!  Just like a ride at Six Flags.

 

(SETH SCRATCHES HIS BEARD.  HE TILTS HIS HEAD, SLOWLY TURNS THE MAP A FULL 360 DEGREES.)

 

               SETH 

 

It's gotta be here. Somewhere.  Hmmmm.   Where's our Ranger Station?

 

(RUSTY SNIFFS THE AIR.)

 

               RUSTY 

 

     Seth, what's that smell?

 

               SETH 

 

(UNINTERESTED)

 

     I don't smell nothin'.

 

               RUSTY 

 

     Did you even sniff?

 

               SETH 

 

     Sniff??

 

               RUSTY 

 

     Yeah, you know.

 

(CRINKLES FACE IN REACTION TO INTENSE SMELL.)

 

     Sniff.

 

(SETH GLANCES SIDEWAYS AND LAUGHS.)

 

               SETH 

 

Dude, your face looks like the Mrs. after her first whiff of Grammy Wilkins Twice-Baked Opossum Pie.

 

               RUSTY 

 

     I smell something.

 

(SETH NODS WITH REALIZATION.)

 

               SETH 

 

     When that happens to me, I usually take a bath.

 

               RUSTY 

 

As the senior officer on this mountain, I'm ordering you to find that smell and get rid of it.

 

(SETH SIGHS.  REACHES LAZILY INTO BACKSEAT, FEELS AROUND AIMLESSLY WITHOUT LOOKING.  HE PATS HIS COAT A FEW TIMES...)

 

(UNBEKNOWNST TO HIM, SOMETHING ACTUALLY MOVES AROUND UNDER THE COAT!  HE MISSES IT EACH TIME HE PATS.)

 

               SETH 

 

     Still don't smell nothin', senior-

 

(TURNS HEAD AWAY AND MUMBLES)

 

     Citizen.

 

(SETH ROLLS THE WINDOW DOWN.)

 

               RUSTY 

 

     What are you doing?

 

               SETH 

 

     Gettin' rid of the smell.

 

               RUSTY 

 

     Did you find the Ranger Station on the map yet?

 

               SETH 

 

     What am I, Einstein?

 

(PAUSE)

 

               SETH 

 

     I was lookin' for the smell.

 

               RUSTY 

 

Just hurry up.  The boss is going to have a fit if we don't get his lunch back to him before his doctor's appointment.

 

(LONG PAUSE.  RANGERS LOOK AT EACH OTHER.  EUREKA!  ALL FIGURED OUT...)

 

               SETH 

 

     The lunch!

 

               RUSTY 

 

     The lunch!

 

               RUSTY 

 

     That explains the smell!

 

               SETH 

 

Guess that's what happens when liverwurst sits in a jeep for an hour and a half.

 

               RUSTY 

 

No, that's what happens when a twenty-minute ride takes an hour and a half because your forest ranger partner doesn't know how to use a map!

 

(RUSTLING NOISE FROM BACK SEAT.  RIP...  PAPER BAG TORN.  RUSTY AND SETH GLANCE AT EACH OTHER - GULP.)

 

               RUSTY 

 

     Did you make that noise?

 

               SETH 

 

     I was hopin' it was you.

 

(SCRATCHING NOISE.  THEY STARE STRAIGHT AHEAD, TOO SCARED TO INVESTIGATE.)

 

(SETH FINALLY TURNS SLOWLY... A FERRET SITS ON HIS HEAD REST NEAR HIS SHOULDER.)

 

(SETH TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND POINTS...)

 

               SETH 

 

     Uhh, Rusty...I think it was him.

 

(THE FERRET LANDS IN RUSTY'S LAP.  THEY BOTH PANIC.  SCREAM FOR HELP.  THE FERRET, SCARED BY THEIR REACTIONS, JUMPS AROUND.)

 

(RUSTY TURNS STEERING WHEEL WILDLY.  HORN BEEPS.  JEEP IS OUT OF CONTROL.)

 

(RUSTY SLAMS ON BRAKES.  JEEP SKIDS TO A STOP, PARTIALLY COVERED BY BUSHES.  SEATBELTS THROW RANGERS BACK.)

(NOT INJURED, THEY SCRAMBLE OUT OF JEEP.  RUN AROUND IT AND SMASH RIGHT INTO EACH OTHER.)

 

               RUSTY 

 

     Oops.

 

               SETH 

 

     Sorry.

 

(THEY EACH END UP WHERE THE OTHER ONE STARTED.)

 

               RUSTY 

 

     What the heck was that thing?

 

               SETH 

 

     Some sort of monster.

 

(RUSTY PACES.)

 

               RUSTY 

 

OK, this is what we're going to do.  You block this door and I'll block that one.  We won't let it out.

 

(THEY SWITCH PLACES AGAIN.)

 

               SETH 

 

(PUMPED)

 

     Good plan.  Now what?

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